All I know is I called you...

S-S-Southern comfort me.....

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 18:46:25 GMT

I have a problem that I can not explain
I have no reason why it should've been so plain
I have no questions but I sure have an excuse
I lack the reason why I should be so confused

You know why I'm so good at advice and helping people? It's easy. Its the things I don't have. It's the things I want to give other people the chance to have. It's the things that I want so badly, that I dream about. You can ask me anything, what to do, how to act, what to say. I'll tell you excatly what the other person wants to hear see or feel. Maybe I'm being selfish, but ask me.

Im going to be good again

Mon, 17 May 2004 22:17:44 GMT

I am going to grab you by the collar, push my lips to your ear and whisper in my most murderous tone "I am not only a good girl I am the best good girl there is." When you kiss me, I won't even like it. It won't matter how the blood rushes to the surface of my cheeks, the hair on the back of my neck stands up or my heart beats right out of my chest, I will limply stand there and politely push you away. No way are you making me be bad.

I am such a good girl I floss before and after meals. I have three kinds of toothpaste, one for plaque, one for tartar, and one for whitening, I use them all at once in a cleansing puddle on my angled handle, extended reach toothbrush. I wash with five kinds of soap, so I am as clean, moisturized, sanitized, freshened and deodorized as a person can be. I am that good

I say please, thank you, yes sir, no ma'am, you're very kind to say that, don't go to any trouble for me, I'd be happy to help you, please let me take care of that, and thanks, but I can manage just fine; often in the same breath.

I do not take shortcuts, tell white lies or lies of any color, wish for beauty, dream of opulence or sleep with the light on. I recycle. I am decaffeinated, smoke free, a teetotaler, and I cross my legs at the ankles, never the knees. I will let you in ahead of me in traffic if you need to change lanes.

I'm asleep by ten and up by six, I drink eight to ten glasses of water a day. I get 45 minutes of cardiovascular exercise four times a week and I rigidly adhere to the food pyramid guidelines. I just had a serving of fruit.

My dishes are done, not just washed, but dried and put away, I give my old clothes to goodwill. I am punctual, attentive and speak exclusively when spoken to. I can be trusted. I use liquid fabric softener, added to the cycle at just the right time, yes with bluing for extra whiteness. It's simply the right thing to do.

It goes without saying I am kind to children and animals. I wait a full 30 minutes after eating before I swim. If I receive a gift, I write a thank you note by hand on lilac stationery, and send it in a matching envelope. There are no misspellings.

Do I need to tell you all the ways I am a good girl? Are the rest easy to see from where you're standing? Come closer to get a better look; I will offer you a fresh stick of gum from my purse where there is no lint, change or paper scraps tumbling about. See inside? There are tiny pockets for everything, and I have a small change purse. Twice a month I empty it into a jelly jar, so I can roll the coins and donate the money to orphans. Now please remove your hand from my cheek, and let's not mess up this beautiful friendship.

So yeah. I've probably wasted waay to much time and energy trying to figure out why I have never been, or will be a good girl. But what is good and what is bad? There's so many defintions. But yesterday I did a lot of thinking and I realized that my life is pretty useless. I need to change.

the time it takes to get from here to there

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 17:21:04 GMT

i`ve been telling this same story over and over again..and now no one wants to hear it anymore. so it plays over and over in my head, for i am the only one listening. this is the lowest point i`ve ever been at. i`m going to stop trying, my effort or lack of, makes no difference anyways. i know that you lied to me -> the truth that you swore was the truth, it wasnt even half of what really happened. promises are the worst things you ever said to me. i cant believe all of this. and i`m leaning on this broken fence, between past and present tence; and im losing all those stupid games, that i swore i`d never play, and it almost feels okay. you might be sorry..but it doesnt mean i forgive you. and this kills me but..i hope we can be friends someday. i`d rather be your friend than nothing at all, even if it means ill never fall asleep with you by my side again. your going to stick forever. i can`t explain what you`ve done to me. maybe its because you were my first, my first real boyfriend, my first heartbreak, but no matter what there is no getting over you. i`ve gotten used to the pain and the tingles they leave, and what i`m left with is myself. but it guess it`s better to have love and lost then never to have loved at all. so is that why my chest hurts and i cant breathe?

a cutters thoughts

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 21:11:31 GMT

it`s amazing the feeling you get .. when everything stops around you, everything blurs and all you can see is your index finger and thumb holding onto your world. that familiar sweet friction serenades the porcelain that is your skin .. tiny glass beads delicately form around the blade, a soft crimson dream patiently drools down your arm. and you feel whole again .. like nothing ever happened before you even picked up the blade. like nothing has ever done you wrong, like .. you were no better before you even started. and you think of next time .. what would trigger it, and maybe, just maybe; you could finally have the courage to press down just a little harder. this is for all the fuckers who don`t understand.

the purity of your own goddamn blood .. love.

Hi, my name is Angela, and I'm worthless.

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 20:48:53 GMT

I have officially decided that my life is useless. I don't do anybody any good anymore...the most people get from me is a quick journal entry to occupy a few minutes of their time. I'm not really good for anything else.

And I don't really care who reads this entry. I'd like to get the word out that you probably shouldn't chill with me anymore, I'm a horrible influence.

I complain about my parents; yeah, they are psycho, but I'm EXACTLY what they didn't want. I am the spitting image of a fuck up.

I used to be a good little girl; to be honest, I'm not dumb. I may not do my work, but honestly, I'm not stupid. If I put my mind to something, I can do it. My problem now is concentrating and actually setting my mind to things. I never seem to care.

I do everything I shouldn't. I smoke, I drink, I do drugs, I skip school, I fail school, I don't do my work, I steal shit, I lie, I take advantage of people and I take things for granted. I'm cynical, pessimistic, angry, and just straight up depressed.

I'm a suicidal teen who's too pussy to go through with the deed.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to die. I'm not going to kill myself. I just wish I could start over.

I try, I try to work; I always say, "I'm gonna start over." And I do good for a few days then start slacking off again.

I guess I'm just rambling now, but it doesn't matter. All I'm doing is wasting time, and falling further into the hole I've been digging myself into all year.

I wanna get free.

I found this on a website...

Tue, 17 Feb 2004 01:55:25 GMT

THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.”

"That they live as if they will never die,
and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons
you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive
by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they
forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?"

God smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”

Revenge is sweet

Sat, 17 Jan 2004 20:56:20 GMT

It's been 4 months since we've gone out or even talked so why is this pain still here? Why can't I just get over you and move on? I cant understand why he treated me like that I really dont get it. What did I do? I just wanted someone to care. For once in my life to have someone to make me smile and to make me feel good. I have so many questions that will never be answered. I'm so pathetic, that I'm letting a boy get to me like this. I can honestly say that this feeling will never end. Everything is just building up. I cut my wrist again...alot deeper than I usually do. Half of the reason I cut is so that I feel physical pain, not the emotional pain. Last night when I cut I didnt even feel it. I was crying and I was so upset that it didnt even hurt. My heart hurts tho, my god it hurts. I dont even know what to do with myself. For once I want to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. For once I want to stop crying. When I first met you you told me to never cry over you but I cant help it the tears dont stop...

Everything will come back to you, just wait. I hope your happy and completly lonley.